My goals for the next couple of weeks are to play more games, get back to the gym, return emails and phone calls, and blow up some tanks.

I wanted a copy of Snow Tails, another game I played at the same event, but alas, the price of that particular race game eluded me. Just in the last week, we’ve have a hard drive fail, a sewer clog, medical issues, and other things that will just go unmentioned.

It not a good time for me. I know my depression is flexing it’s huge biceps around my puny head, but thankfully, I have the benefit of experience on my side. Things have been worse. I know things will likely get better. I have a support system.

And hey, in a few weeks, I’ll get to play Cities again.

Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game, one foot from a winning touchdown.
- Ross Perot

I find this an ironic quote from a man who started and stopped his presidential campaign like a broken down car, edging its way to the repair shop; however, I think it’s a good thought. I have this odd sense that I’m in this very position.

Don’t give up.

I have too many obligations to suddenly go on walkabout right now.

I’m going to try something new for me. I will ask for help. HELP!

Here’s a few of the things I need help with:

• osCommerce – If you have ever set up an online store with osCommerce, then I could use your help. The learning curve is pretty steep and the online support isn’t that great.
• non-profit legal assistance – My wife needs some legal assistance filing for non-profit status. She’s put together a good organization for people with chronic illnesses who would like to have the opportunity to explore their musical talents. There are lots of folks who want to get this started, but she needs help filing the necessary papers.
• getting off the train – If you know me personally, and you read this, call me. If I don’t call you back, call me again.

Normally, my flavor of depression, dysthymia, responds well to most of the standard antidepressants, but for whatever reason, I do not do well with them.

I picked up a copy of The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression: A Step-by-step Program on Amazon. I started working through it in January, when things had gotten low enough that I actually bounced a bit. I was in the middle of a double depression that was probably the worst episode I can recall having in over a decade.

This book has been extremely valuable, and has helped me a great deal. The book provides a good overview of the many types of depression, and then moves on to a depression inventory. This personal inventory is cross-referenced with sections of the book that deal with solutions for specific types of disorders. At the end of each of these sections, there is a worksheet designed to help you develop a plan for positive change.

I took the inventory, which uses a standard Likert item response form to indicate possible areas of concern, and then looked at all of the items that were the most severe. In my case, a majority of the items all referred back to a particular section of the book, so it was obvious to me that I should start working there first.

I recently took the inventory again, and made some comparisons. Some of the items had remained the same, many had improved, and a couple even got worse, but this gave me a much better insight into how I’ve been feeling than I’ve had in a very long time. I have identified some new areas for focus and have a plan to deal with them. This kind of proactive approach works very well for me, and helps me know that I can have control over my depression.

The book was written by William J. Knaus, ED. D. and is widely available.

I’m definitely feeling better now. It’s much easier to get through the day, and my productivity has gone up. Things just don’t seem as bad, and the flowers smell a little sweeter, if that makes sense.

I had a fairly simple plan to get out of my double depression:

• Get better sleep. I have a sleep disorder which keeps me from going into deep, REM, sleep, and I know that my sleeping patterns have a huge impact on my mood. However, I’m still having trouble sleeping with my CPAP machine and I didn’t really do well with this part of the plan.
• Do one creative thing each day. This is a big deal for me, and by lowering my expectations of product, I was able to get back into my creative groove. I did well with this part of the plan, and I have a lot of good ideas for future projects.
• Get regular exercise. This was what really helped me, I think. I tried to exercise a few times a week at the gym, and started taking the stairs instead of the elevator at work. The effects were pretty immediate in terms of how I felt physically. My joints stopped aching and my back started to feel better. My wife and I even started going together. Our gym has a great play area for the kids, so they’ve enjoyed it as well.

I’m thankful for all the support I’ve had online and off.